S L E E P L E S S N I G H T S

For as long as I can walk back the memory lane I can recall these few absolutely-no-sleep-nights. These are the nights I personally believe that are created by our psyche for reflection. Its is pretty weird how this happens because irrespective of how much physically tired I am I m active till I jolt down something or think of something about my life. It is like something keep me awake and makes me think…or am I just plain superstitious. This “traditional wakefulness” I have observed to occur two nights per year. Time for me to sit and reflect again but I just forcefully put myself to bed, I just don’t want to do it anymore the act that re evaluated and made my past, present and future less blur was the thing I run from now, tonight through the dark wet lonely lanes.
And this is what I have been doing since two nights I just can’t seem to make up my mind to think and this is haunting me-some what like how we have relapse of our REM sleep if we have lost some and it is thus made up-instead of REM sleep it is just insomnia crafted for reflection.

Is it just that I have become numb? Here plays the song comfortably numb and roger waters mouthing the words “Can you show me where it hurts?” and I think the real question is “Can anyone show anyone where it hurts?” Tightening the eye lids I put my self in the dark and run from this purge of emotions and try to wash off this habit of mine-trying to reflect-who do I think I am a Zen master?

All I can hear are echoes of voices that take me back to my childhood when I used to count my years to cut for my adulthood and people all around me said “It is only going to get more and more complicated-it always does” Seeing my frown they would let out a guffaw that meant a lot of things to them and to me. Now I am here tonight just hoping I believed them back them-it is true- and another painful truth is I still can’t get used to the way life has become more and more complex.

Pooff!! In the air the dust of the purity fell on my eyes unlike the sandman’s sand these just brought tears. Why is it troubling me so much why cant I just do it now, why don’t I want to look back. I remember asking my sister with an air of innocence “Will the tide take away everything with it?” “Yes” was the word that gave me the jolt to go and trail my fingers through the sands to write PAIN and waited for the tide to wash it off, off the face of my earth. I let out a sigh of relief and moved on and it worked so well this night I can not remember what the pain was and what the tide washed away. Right now forgiving and forgetting have become a matter of impossibility forming the disturbing aura of ghosts around me.

Another matter that falls into the realms of such impossibility is enjoying the beauty in tiniest things like getting the yellow cotton candy over pink because yellow is rare and seeing your brother eat the common pink while you melt the yellow candy in your glad mouth. The culprit is the whole process of desensitization that everyone of us go through of as a defense mechanism grown in bearing the burdens and hardships of life. Will we ever know if this process is a positive thing in our lives or a negative?

There it is again, my voice in my head telling me to stop writing it makes no sense, well I am atleast trying, but where is it going? No where for once I just want to be non sensical and put down what I think what ever popping up in my chaotic mind. Since when do we start thinking of making sense. From the time we attend our first exam? Or the day we get our certificates for this and that? What use is trying to make sense when you have failed over and over again-relevance has lost its relevance.

No answers- no questions- no queries of the obvious-no pure motives- no mask less faces- no honest selfishness-everything is a camouflage in the name of growing up, being “cultured” and being “educated”.